Ready for superior health.

Well, hello again. It's been quite awhile. It seems I intended on coming back around to make changes at the beginning of the year, and it just didn't happen. To catch you up to speed, I have not made any significant changes in my health. I eat like shit, I don't go to the gym even though I'm paying for not one but TWO memberships (speaking of which, here's my reminder to cancel the first one!), I drink too much, I quit smoking cigarettes for 13 days but picked it back up this past week, I have cut back on smoking weed. I let my social life get out of control, never making time for myself. I was not being safe sexually with men, hated to be at home so I kept my life on the go, was not getting enough rest, and I got really sick recently which I feel was brought about due to a low immune system from all of the reasons listed above - it was extremely painful and humiliating as it was related to my girl parts. I got extremely lucky in that I walked away from that situation with zero STDs/STIs! But right after I was out of the woods, what did I do? I tricked myself into thinking I could spend time with a new man and not sleep with him, and I did, and I feel terrible about it because yet again (although he told me he was clean and for whatever reason, I believed him), I did in fact still agree to having sex with him without a condom. I'll get tested here again soon but luckily have not seen signs of anything. Crossing my fingers and cursing myself in the meantime.

I'm miserable. A lot of significant changes are going on in my life right now that are all for the best. But I'm still in pain. I fell for someone I can never have. I am attracted to the darker avenues in life, it's self-destructive I think. He doesn't want a relationship with me, he's been very clear about that as long as I've known him, and even if he did, I think we're both smart enough to see that logically it could never work between us. I am a logical person and I have accepted the limitations of our relationship, but that is as new as today. Today was the day I admitted to him and myself I felt more strongly for him than I realized or let on. I had seen some warning signs and should have known to back off, but I am very inexperienced with men and I felt invincible, like I could survive a walk on the wild side. Last Wednesday, he made a tough call and decided we shouldn't hang out. It hurt so unbelievably much, I did not deal with it very well. That was the first indicator there was something more for me than just a friendship. Last night, I threw myself a pity party, drank a lot with some friends, ran into him and apparently saw things that didn't happen, called him out on it, he put me in my place about it, and I have spent all day profusely apologizing to him. I think he should feel bad about his part in blurring the boundaries of our relationship and ought to take accountability there. But I don't expect that because people are entitled to their own feelings so all I can do is take ownership for my part in this mess and I'm looking forward to moving on. Today has been very sad for me, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I KNOW this because I've been sad over boys before and it passes. Just in general, I know I'll get through this and I'm smart enough to walk away with some pointers for the next time I'm interested in someone.

I don't even have enough time to get in to family issues. Found out my dad relapsed on drugs after (as far as I knew) 9 years of sobriety, I personally stumbled upon his meth pipe. That alone was devastating and just happened this past week as well. This is resulting in my parents' divorce. Just Thursday night, technically Friday morning, at 3:30AM I woke up to really scary shouting and screaming. It was my older brother, he was also abusing meth and out of his mind with anger because no one would let him inside. It was frightening and hard to fall back asleep - this may have contributed to me having such a terrible night last night and taking it out on the guy previously mentioned. My other little brother just turned 18 and is facing 3 felonies, which was more than likely brought about by his addiction to pain killers. I know a dealer who would be more than happy to hook it up with Oxycontin, I've never gone down that road but to be perfectly honest, it appeals to me. Again there's that dark side, the self-destructing piece of me. Sometimes I want to give up. Everyone else around me (except my mom) gets to escape with drugs, why not me? It's hard being strong. Luckily I have been able to resist this path thus far. I don't intend on ever hurting my family with personal drug use the way everyone else has.

It's high time I grow the fuck up. My parents were supposed to be adopting my nephew, now it falls on just my mom's shoulders. I have consciously decided to step up. I have not been as involved in his life as I should have been since he started living with us. Now I'm spending time with him on a daily basis and loving every second of it! Recently everything has been so scary in my life, and he grounds me. I love him so much, he just jumped to the top of my priorities.

Things are moving in the right direction. My mom and I are taking control of our lives and making adjustments to be as healthy as we possibly can, regardless of who/what must be cut out on this new path. I just can't find it in me to be excited about it. I'll get there. I just need some time to mourn all these losses. In fact, last month my cousin killed himself and it's something that weighs heavily on my older brother's mind with his drug use, which also worries me. I only just started letting myself feel this loss as well. Addiction has torn not only my immediate family but ALL of my family apart. It's time to remove it as much as possible from my life.

I'm ready to get healthy in all aspects of my life. It's time!